World War II Database

The following is an April Fools Day joke seen on ww2db on 1 Apr 2009.

Until yesterday, we had learned that Adolf Hitler and his wife Eva Braun committed suicide in Hitler's Berlin bunker as Soviet troops fought only blocks away. New investigations had shown that while remains were found in the bunker, none of them was that of Hitler's.

"The escape of Hitler had always been a myth," said United States Federal Bureau of Investigations spokesperson Andrew Schumacher. "Today, we concluded that it was true. Artifacts recently discovered in Argentina indicated that Hitler had escaped by submarine to Argentina and lived for over 10 years."

According to the information made public by the FBI, the case on Hitler took a backseat in the late 1940s, but it was never officially closed. Despite a very small budget, the team was able to track down several European and South American leads, ultimately finding a cellar in an unassuming house in an unnamed village some distance from the relatively remote town of Iruya in Northern Argentina. In the cellar, a metal WW2-era German Army ammunition box was found. Among the few items inside was a photo of Hitler, weary in appearance, shaking hands with a German Navy submarine captain. In the background, the presence of floss silk trees, unique to South America, is undeniable; this photograph serves as one of the key pieces of evidence of Hitler’s escape. It is hypothesized that Hitler had taken one of the final flights out of Berlin and left behind him an anonymous body double (who might had been murdered for the Soviets to discover). Via the Norwegian coast, he was taken by a submarine to Argentina.

Other artifacts found in the ammunition box include an Iron Cross medal, a Luger pistol, a fountain pen with a dried-up bottle of ink, a program to the 1 Apr 1938 Berlin production of Richard Wagner's Die Walküre, cut-out comic strips from 1940s and 1950s newspapers, a strand of hair which DNA testing concluded to be dog hair of German Shepherd breed, a rubber bouncy ball, a voodoo doll named Stalin, a coin that is presumably the first Mark he made as a boy, some glass marbles, a wooden spork, and several German military operations manuals.

Some conspiracy theorists place Hitler in the center of various plots aimed at toppling the US government. In actuality, however, his life could not be any more different. The post-war profile of Hitler that the profile FBI released had him raising chickens and planting cabbage for a living. "Herr Schmidt", as he came to be known, made the best sauerkraut in town. An older village resident remembered that "Herr Schmidt fed his chickens in the courtyard every morning right after dawn, making clucking noises as he threw feed onto the ground. Sometimes when he saw me, he would run back into the house and return with a jar of sauerkraut as a gift." Another resident shared that Hitler sometimes performed scenes from Tristan and Isolde under the full moon in front of the chicken shack to a poultry audience. The folks in town seemed to think of "Herr Schmidt" as a strange man, but all agree that they put up with him because his sauerkraut was so delicious.

"Off the official record, many of us at the Bureau are rather disgusted that he was never brought to justice, and instead lived in simple comfort for the remainder of his life," commented Schumacher during an interview with the Steve Inskeep of American radio program Morning Edition of National Public Radio. "However, we can at least be glad that he seemed to have given up his ambitions after fleeing to Argentina."

Since Hitler's death in about the first week of Apr 1957, the house had been sold several times. A previous owner tore down the chicken shack to expand the cabbage lot, and the present owner Mr. Hernández reported that he had nearly thrown out everything in the cellar, but only stopped because there was so much "junk" in there and he did not really need the storage space. Little did he realize the historical importance of the metal box in the cellar, which contained proof that the house was at one time owned by a man who is widely considered the most evil man in human history, and was the two-time recipient of Best Cabbage Dish Award of the Iruya Town Fair of 1952 and 1953. Mr. Hernández was given Hitler's rubber bouncy ball by the chief FBI field agent in charge of the project; he is reported to be setting up an eBay account to see if the bouncy ball can fetch some money to help him pay for his son's upcoming wedding.

At the bottom of every page in the report released to the public by the FBI noted, in fine print "in case you have not yet realized, this entire news article is fictional and should not be taken seriously."

Happy April Fools Day to all WW2DB visitors!

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